Hi all- well today I turned 8 in AA. Wow. 8 full years without a drink or a drug and it's nothing short of a real live miracle. One of my "normie" friends (that's what we alcoholics call you all that can drink normally) asked me what would be different in my life today if I wasn't sober. Everything. I would be an emotional disaster, stressed out, lonely if not dead. (not to be dramatic but I really believe it to be true) I wouldn't have Rob or the gym or have this amazing opportunity in LA. To say that I am forever grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous would be a serious understatement.
Due to a series of events today, I was unable to go to a meeting (which is super disappointing) and so I am going to share my story with anyone still reading this blog. I'll attempt to keep it brief, but please realize that if I was to just list all the things I was grateful for, I would surely lose all readers as it would take so long.
In AA when we tell our story, the guideline generally speaking is to tell HOW IT WAS, WHAT HAPPENED, AND HOW IT IS NOW.
Here it goes.
HOW IT WAS: I started abusing exercise as a teenager, but not too seriously until college. I had what I now know is exercise bulimia but back in the early 90ites that just wasn't really recognized. I dropped out of college due to this dis-ease. Nothing was working even therapy. (he wanted me to gain weight- come on get serious please) and then well, I found alcohol. Problem solved. Exercise? huh- let's party. I partied hard until I was 29 and had consequences but nothing that was making me think I needed to change. I started dating Rob just before I turned 30 and started personal training just about the year before. Between Rob (who I was in love with immediately) and the training, I really cut back on the partying and in true alcoholic manner switched additions again. This time it was workaholism. oh dear. I became a binge drinker, only drinking every other weekend or so but with horrible consequences. First the hang-overs were brutal. My body would get used to me NOT pouring excess drinks into it so when I did, it was awful. Add to the mix drugs and well- not good. I also began realizing how NOT authentic I was. Here I am teaching exercise and health and oh yes, I drink and do drugs (just recreationally) a couple times a month. hmmmm.
Well 8 years ago yesterday I met with 2 of my good friends in Hailey at Sushii and had 2 light beers. Seriously that was my last big bender. (I had a resentment about this for a year at least- ha) I spent the night in Hailey with them because things were so tense at home with Rob. He simply wasn't behaving the way I wanted him to and that was really stressing me out. I was encouraged to mind my own business by someone I really trusted and admired. I was supposed to let Rob mind his own life and I could look after mine. That was so far off my radar that I seriously had to hear it constantly and still was failing miserably. But that weekend the straw broke the camel's back and off I went to an Alanon Meeting. (after all he had the problem?!?) and then ended up in a Coda meeting the next day. (holy shit- that was an eye-opener, maybe I do have something to do with this problem) and then due to lack of other program meetings I ended up in AA.
WHAT HAPPENED: Somehow I stayed sober for a week. holy cow. This was much harder than expected. I mean considering I'm not really an alcoholic. (I don't even drink every week much less every day). Then Rob broke up with me and had me move out. Um yeah, that was devastating. No Rob, No home, No mood altering substances. (in my zest, I decided to quite sugar also- good lord in heaven) Somehow, I made it through Halloween and then 2 weeks later.. Rob was sober. We still lived apart for another 6 months to work on our sobriety separately but getting a second chance with the man who is the love of my life was really a gift. Unfortunately, getting sober still basically sucked. (sorry but it was rough) It took me 3 months and reading in the big book about alcoholic drinkers and heavy drinkers and that yes there is a difference. (basically... this is my interpretation of it... alcoholic drinkers have an unmanageable life due not just to the drinking but due to the screwed up thinking' heavy drinkers just drink a lot) Okay, I'm an alcoholic. Dang it. This seriously sucks.
Not everything sucked that first year, but it was rough and I literally cried in every meeting. Every one. And I went to a meeting pretty much daily. That's a lot of crying. There was just some serious emotion coming out.
The insainty was that I still thought I had a high bottom. HA HA HA. Denial and Delusion. Seriously, a high bottom. I was only addicted to everything and feeling my feelings was just impossible for me, but hey, high bottom.... I hadn't been drinking every day. Whatever, I was just so good (amazingly good) at switching addictions that I didn't need alcohol all the time. Work worked, other people's problems worked, food worked, exercise worked... as long as I didn't have to stop and feel, I was okay. This all changed with the removal of the drugs and alcohol. Like a big spotlight on everything and the other addictions, well they got worse. Holy Cow.
I got a second sponsor and God bless her she met with me once a week for almost 2 years to take me through the steps. That helped a ton. (a ton)
In the years since I've worked the steps in OA (overeaters anonymous) and WA (workaholics anonymous) and every time I do it another layer comes off and the idea of a high bottom gets more and more ludicrous.
Three years ago, I had a heath crisis (for lack of a better word) that brought me to my knees. I seriously don't think I would have lived through it without my sobriety and a program. (as it was I feel like I barely survived)
HOW IT IS NOW: It turns out that health crisis was the best gift ever from the universe (although I'm not signing up for it again, lesson learned). It made me learn how to look at things that aren't going the way they SHOULD as a gift and an experience to be learned from. Do I do this all the time? No, and sometimes it takes a while foe me to come around to this type of thinking but I can honestly say that now, I truly do look at experiences and life that way. Gifts and lessons to teach me something. (even the getting stuck in traffic AGAIN for an hour tonight- there's something... although I think it's as simple as STAY on this side of the 405 but who knows).
The financial crisis that I find myself in is a gift; a chance for me to grow and learn how to do things differently. An opportunity to receive help. A chance to be challenged. I constantly remind myself to let go of the outcome and do the footwork.
I'll finish my story by saying that I heard from my new favorite teacher, Tony Robbins, that DESIRE comes from the Latin root meaning "of the father". I am striving for balance and happiness and also nurturing my DESIRE for a big life, full of teaching exercise to the masses. This has been my dream for a long time and now here in LA, I'm ready for it to become my destiny. (there are certainly masses- all of which were trying to get home at the same time as me tonight!!) Whether it does or doesn't work out is okay as I believe God's will be done, but at least with AA and my sobriety, it's a possibility. Yippee for me, Thank you AA, Thank you Universe and Thank you dear friends for letting me share. Sobriety Rocks.
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